Contacting Your Ex

Although I hate to be overly blunt, I really do need to warn you: if there's one aspect of this entire process you absolutely cannot afford to screw up, it's when you begin to re-establish communication with your ex.

If you haven't already, watch the brief video on Brad Browning's website to get some insight on what your ex is probably thinking and how to use some sneaky psychological techniques to get around his or her natural 'defense mechanisms' (which you'll probably encounter when you're beginning to talk with your ex again).

Why is this so important? Because the way you approach your ex once the 'no contact' phase is over will dictate their perception of you from that point onwards. So if you do or say something that alarms them or triggers your ex's natural tendancy to resist your advances, you'll be shooting yourself in the foot.

The most important thing when you begin to talk with your ex again is that all of your communication needs to be casual, friendly, and non-threatening. That means you should be happy and upbeat during all conversations with your ex, and that you shouldn't bring up any serious topics at all until you've really begun talking regularly with your ex again.

First of all, it's important to be friendly and upbeat because, as I mentioned in the previous article, your ex needs to see that you're fine living without them. If you seem sad or upset about the breakup or about not being together with your ex anymore, you're sending the complete opposite signals. So remember to always put on your 'happy face' when your ex is around.

Also, keep in mind that now is absolutely not the time to talk with your ex about anything serious. In particular, avoid bringing up the breakup or how you're handling it. You don't want to give your ex the impression that you've only begun talking with them again beacuse you want to get back together. At this point, they should not know that that is your intention.

If you need a reason to speak with your ex (and this is a topic I'll cover in the next few articles on texting your ex and phoning your ex), try to come up with something legitimate... possible ideas include informing your ex about an upcoming event (a concert, a sale at a clothing store, etc) or asking them for details about a place you went to together (ie. ask for the name of a restaurant you once went to).

At first, conversations with your ex should be very brief... just a minute or two if you're talking in person or on the phone, and just a couple of text messages or emails if you're chatting via text. (This is a good article about how to text your ex).

Make sure that, the first few times you talk to your ex, you're the one that ends the conversation. This will help establish the perception that you're just making friendly chit-chat with your ex rather than trying to get back together with them. To end a conversation, just say something like: "it was great chatting with you, but I have to run to meet someone... let's catch up again another time."

• Next: Sending Text Messages To Your Ex